I would never hate myself for being transgender. I just want to make that abundantly clear as you read this.

Despite the ups and downs of transitioning, I firmly believe it was the right decision, and my self expression has grown a lot, and I have become healthier.

But after one year, two months, and 15 days I’m filled with the overwhelming and depressing feeling that I’m not enough.

I feel like I’m not feminine enough, my voice isn’t high enough, my boobs aren’t big enough, like I’m just not enough of a woman. Sometimes I feel like the world just sees me as some man who put on skinny jeans, lipstick and eyeliner, and is supposedly a woman.

And despite all these feelings, I run into the problem that I just don’t know how to be more of a woman. And I know that all I can do is all I can do, but that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And ultimately, those feelings make me feel isolated.

As far as I know, among the people I know and have come into contact with, I’m the only transgender female in my classes, and usually the only trans female person people really know.

It’s easy to talk about this among my other transgender friends, but how do you discuss this with cis people (people who identify with their born sex)? How do you discuss and describe the feeling of wanting to claw out of your body, and, once you’re out of it, the world doesn’t recognize and respect who you are.

I don’t know how to explain it more than that. I think most people reading this won’t understand the feeling of not being recognized for your gender. It’s such a built part of most of your lives, that you are a man or woman, you have always been that, always will be, and everyone’s actions or the way they talk about you, confirms that.

But that is a constant struggle for me. My birth certificate says female, and I can dress the same as a cis woman, but I’m still considered a man, while other women are still considered female.

Not to say I haven’t made any progress, but going back to that one year, two months, and however many days it’s been once this has been published. It’s been so long, so rough, a lot of money, and I still feel not enough for the world.

It’s easy to get put into a box of hyperfemininity, where I have to work my ass off on my presentation, wear more makeup, tighter clothes, change my voice, completely change everything about my body just for some slim chance of passing.

If I tried to match everything to be traditionally female, clothes, makeup, voice, body, my face, maybe I would pass better in the end, but at what cost? Being exhausted? Being depressed and suicidal again? In the end, what parts of myself would I lose in the process?

Transitioning is supposed to alleviate the discomfort in my identity and presentation, so what would it actually accomplish if I adhered to being a “traditional woman?”

I still wouldn’t be myself.

This letter is printed with the support and love from the Outlook editors.